So your child’s birthday should be all about celebrating and creating a memorable occasion for you child right?

What about the parents who have had a traumatic birth, or a tough lead up to the birth or complications after the birth?  Or just a plain stressful time that was not how they imagined it would be?  How do these feelings fit into a birthday every year to remind you about it all?

Only recently have I worked out that if I allow myself to ‘feel’ ALL the feelings around Master 4-today’s birth and the 4 years following, it actually wasn’t all that rosy and in fact brings back some rather unpleasant memories.

You see, I was caught out at work one day 33 weeks and 5 days pregnant and felt some strong Braxton Hicks.  With my husband away for work, I was in denial it could be labour (although my gut knew something was up and I’ve since learnt to trust that more!).  The end result was moments of sheer panic as I was told yes I was in labour and that I may have to be transferred to a different hospital that coped with premmie births and babies.  All whilst organising a friend to pack my bag at home, nurses jabbing me with steroids and trying to get through to my husband to get on a plane ASAP.  The adrenalin was enough for a lifetime, especially with a first time birth and not knowing what was ahead.  The good news was, I didn’t have to transfer hospitals and my husband (and sister) made it for the birth.  The birth was every pregnant woman’s dream but it was the aftermath that laid the scars for me…..

It only hit me after the birth of Master nearly2 that ‘hey, I missed out on holding my first born straight after he was born’.  It is something that I have previously put down to ‘it was just lucky he was okay and he didn’t need oxygen, being born at 33+6.  I have to just be thankful for that’, but deep down, my instincts as a mum were still very hurt that they never got to experience that beautiful moment with him, like I did my second born.

It still hurts a lot that I could only hold my first born twice a day for the first 3 week of his life whilst he spent the rest of the time in the isolette (humidicrib).

And I will never forget the first 7.5 months of his life without more than 3 hours sleep in a row, once in the night and a 45 minute rock to sleep for the little boy for every put down of the day/night.

I’m not spreading this story to say ‘poor me’, but more to ask ‘is anyone else out there, harbouring scars and emotions from the birth of their child/children?’.  And yes, it’s okay to feel that way.  I have finally had the time and energy to allow myself to feel the disappointment, hurt and other scary feelings that I had to bury for so long, just to get through it all and this is healing.

So today, I have acknowledged the past and am very happy to be living in the present moment (Are you a mindful parent?) where I can really celebrate with my gorgeous son.

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I would love to hear any of your stories… 🙂 Heidi